Photoworthy

Once a year, typically just after Thanksgiving, I force my three children to dress up (the horror), herd them out the door, and drive off to some outdoor location across town to take family photos. I am somewhat sure they hate it, at least some years. And I get it. There has never been a year that did not involve some drama–last minute wardrobe change, sudden inability to locate proper shoes, something doesn’t fit right, hair is misbehaving, someone ironed a hole in their shirt, oh no, we’re running late, I said get in the car now, you’re not getting anything from Santa, I mean it…get in the freaking car! You know, that type of vibe. And then there is the herculean task of getting everyone to look at the camera, at the same time, with eyes open, and if the universe allows, maybe even a smile. Maybe not. One of the kids has notoriously mean-mugged every photoshoot for the last decade. But the end results? Always worth it.

But why? Is it that my children are particularly adorable, angelic, and agreeable, thus making every shot perfection? Of course not. Now obviously I think they are beautiful. What kind of psychopath parent doesn’t think that about their kids? As for myself, I don’t consider myself to be particularly photogenic or even necessarily confident in front of a camera. When a family member once commented, in a completely unsolicited fashion, that I didn’t have what it takes to be a model, I quickly retorted “Well it’s a good thing I have a brain and don’t want to be a model.” My sincere apology to the models out there. I am sure many of you are quite smart…my wrath was not truly directed at you. Anyway, I am more the type to need thirty attempts at a selfie to get a single one with both eyes open. And I am almost always the reason a group needs to take another shot (because either I wasn’t ready or at least one of my eyes wasn’t). So, if it is not my kids, and it’s definitely not me, then what is it that makes family photo shoots such magic?

I’d love to say it is as “simple” as the perfect lighting, setting, timing, angle, shutter speed, etc. creating that beautiful, cohesive, lasting memory. And it is that…and more. The “and more,” is what it represents, which for me is one of those rare moments where my family feels perfect and complete. When I look back on my life and think about the experiences I traversed…cancer, more than a dozen surgeries, poverty, abuse, assault, single parenting, and countless heartbreaks and losses…it shaped the landscape of not only my life, but that of my family as well. Obviously it wasn’t all hardship and grief…becoming the first doctor in my family (sorry, no modeling), being blessed with three children, watching them thrive and be genuinely good people despite illnesses and setbacks, being able to care for some of the most amazing patients alongside truly gifted colleagues, and finding my voice as a social justice advocate. These too have been integral in shaping our family. Now did things end up like I had hoped or envisioned? I’d be lying if I said it did. But did it end up beautiful and wonderful anyway? Absolutely. And while perhaps it doesn’t always feel perfect, for a few hours in November each year we get to capture a glimpse of our own type of perfection. A moment made possible by a lifetime of moments, most of which were not particularly “photoworthy,” that came before it.

Massive shoutout to David Rey Photography for capturing our moments (and for putting up with any shenanigans whilst trying to achieve the perfect lighting, setting, timing, angle, shutter speed, etc). Thank you for truly amazing pictures! IG: @davidreyphoto

Chasing Sunsets

I recently celebrated a birthday and must admit I always find birthdays a little bittersweet. When I was in my twenties (and for a moment we’ll pretend that wasn’t so long ago), I used to regard that bittersweetness as the result of a remote traumatic experience that occurred on my birthday. But having done the work of healing, and as I got older, I recognized the sentiment was rooted in something seemingly deeper, yet in a way, much simpler. It is somewhat analogous to a sunset which, while beautiful, still represents an end. A birthday signals an opportunity to reflect on where I have been, who I have been, what I have accomplished, and how far I still have to go. What will that next sunrise look like? It’s a chance to be grateful for the tremendous things I have overcome in my life, as well as for the amazing friends who have accompanied me on this journey. It’s a chance to revel in the memories and experiences of the last year(s)…every beautiful sunset…while still acknowledging the occurrences of trauma, loss, or pain that can punctuate any number of the preceding 365 days.

Like many of you, I am no stranger to the fact that pain, change, and loss, despite being part of life and God’s plan, can be hard as hell sometimes. Recognizing how far we have to go individually, and how much work we need to do as a loving, empathetic, selfless society, can feel overwhelming. And even the most eager to attain growth and progression…those ready to advocate for themselves and others…can sometimes feel as if they are standing still.

Those bittersweet moments of taking stock require a tremendous amount of grace and love, not to mention an insane dose of patience (often in short supply). I have always clung to the notion that most things happen for a reason, according to a plan for which, ironically, none of us has the blueprints. That said, I think we can all agree that sometimes things happen that are so difficult, painful, unexpected, seemingly senseless, that it’s hard to imagine there could ever be a reason that could do it justice. Is there always a lesson in death, war, violence, and loss? However, I suppose these are occupational hazards of operating in a world with free will…which admittedly feels like a fancier version of “it is what it is.” Yet it is also that same free will that allows us to make choices that hopefully, if we choose wisely, allow us to live in authenticity and love.

So for this next year the best gift I can give myself is for my actions and inactions to continue to reflect and foster the life I am building for myself and my children, and I pray for grace and love throughout this next trip around the sun. May God grant that the less palatable, painful moments be tempered with an abundance of sweetness and some beautiful views of the sun.

An Open Letter to my Children

At the end of one of the busiest weeks I have had in recent memory….a week for which there is no adequate word in the English language and “insane” cannot begin to do justice…I paused. There were a number of reasons to pause at that moment, but the reason I chose was that I owed my center offspring a conversation. As we spoke, I told him how proud I was of something he had recently done, but he stopped me mid-sentence. “Mom I know.” I tried to continue, tried to tell him that I am always proud and why I hold him to such a high standard. But he stopped me again. “ Mom (more emphatically)…I know! I literally have the letter you wrote me on my birthday here on my desk.”

Later I reread that letter (which is conveniently my blog entry from a year ago) and mused to a few friends that maybe I should take my own advice. Suddenly, I remembered that I had penned the beginnings of a letter to all three of my kids but had never quite completed it. And just like that, the Universe had spoken. In a week filled with deadlines, check boxes, and turning pages, it was time to finish what I had started.

An open letter to my children…

First off, I must acknowledge that I know that you will not heed all of this advice. As your mother I fully expect you to ignore many of these suggestions, the same way in which you ignore the first six times I ask you to do pretty much anything. But joking/parental snark aside, some things you will simply need to learn on your own. And that is OK. My hope is that if you must experience some things firsthand, perhaps the knowledge gleaned will endure within you. That said, it is perfectly acceptable to need to learn and re-learn these lessons. You will backslide. That is also OK. Be gentle and patient with yourself. As long as you honor your authenticity, continue being a good person, and your overall trajectory is forward, that is what matters most.

1. I am proud of you, and I will always love you… beyond measure, no matter what. If you know nothing else, know this.

2. You are now and will ALWAYS be enough. Always be yourself. If someone does not appreciate who you are as a person, they do not belong in your life. Period. This does not mean that you shouldn’t strive for personal improvement or embrace needed changes throughout life. What you do not change, you choose. But such changes must be congruent with your core values.

3. Your worth will NEVER be diminished by someone else’s inability to see it. Do not waste your time trying to prove your worth to someone who is incapable of seeing it. Run, do not walk, away.

4. Be honest and transparent ALWAYS. There is never an excuse for lying. Integrity is everything. It really is that simple.

5. Action always expresses priority (I remain eternally grateful to Gandhi for the reminder). Make sure your actions align with your words. And never forget that inaction can be as powerful a choice as action. So choose wisely.

6. Be very mindful of how you spend your time, energy, and effort. You have the power to cultivate the life you choose.

7. NEVER diminish yourself to make someone else feel comfortable. If you are “too much” for someone, walk away and let them settle for less. You are not meant to be diluted.

8. Sometimes doing the right thing will be among the hardest things you will ever do. The path of least resistance is very often the wrong path. Choose the other path….that’s your path…and put in the work, even when it’s difficult.

9. Never forget who you are or where you came from. Let the things that you have transcended form your foundational core. And never forget to leverage your place in this world to help others.

10. Happiness comes from within. You, yourself, are solely responsible for being happy. And it is never your responsibility to curate happiness for another person.

11. Even on your hardest days, and even when pain and tears feel unceasing, there is always a reason to be grateful. Always. Gratitude is absolutely essential. Do not underestimate its power.

12. Embrace the fact that individuality means you may not always agree on everything with friends and loved ones. Our world would be quite boring if we all agreed all the time. Be willing to keep respectful dialogue open, but recognize it is OK to “agree to disagree.” One caveat—this advice does NOT apply to racism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, etc.

13. Always be willing to consider the perspective and viewpoints of another person or group. Again, you do not have to agree, but be willing to “hear,” and consider the thoughts of the other person/group, as long as it is presented respectfully. The caveat from #12 above applies here as well.

14. Never ever be afraid to express your feelings or opinions (preferably in a respectful manner, of course). You are as equally deserving of the opportunity to be heard as anyone else in your life. Dispense with people who consistently dismiss or invalidate your feelings or opinions. This takes practice throughout your life. A lot of practice.

15. Do not ever apologize for feeling a particular feeling. Own it, embrace it, learn from it. What does that feeling tell you about life, yourself, another person, thing, event? Some feelings are transient and require nothing more than feeling them and moving on. Other feelings are more persistent and may signify a more important issue worthy of your attention. It will take a lot of practice to distinguish between the two, but it is necessary.

16. Do not ignore or suppress your thoughts or feelings. It is not healthy, and no good will come from doing so. Brief denial, in the setting of trauma or loss, is completely normal. Have patience with a little denial from time to time, but do not set up shop there. You CANNOT cheat grief, hurt, or loss. It will come back like a boomerang every time. Deal with it so you can move on.

17. Humility is essential. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes in life, and you will make more than you ever dreamed. That’s actually OK…it’s part of learning and growing. But you must be willing to admit your mistakes and be accountable. Progress toward a solution even if it means constantly holding yourself accountable. Try to break cycles (both personal and intergenerational). But also show yourself compassion and patience when you falter. And you will falter.

18. No matter how smart you are or how much education you have, there will always be things beyond the scope of your knowledge. There is no shame in saying “I don’t know the answer.” Likewise there is no shame in asking for help. Stay humble. It may be the very thing that saves you or someone else.

19. When you face trauma, you have two choices. You can choose to do the work to survive, thrive, and transcend….to allow it to become part of your story and make you stronger than you ever dreamed. Or you can choose to let it destroy you, defining you in a way that hinders your potential and can leave a wake of destruction along the way. My prayer is that you ALWAYS choose to do the work and transcend anything that life throws at you. In the moment that may feel like the harder choice, but choosing resilience will always be worth it.

20. Show empathy whenever possible. Being an empath will absolutely make you an easy target for some people. Do it anyway. And in the event that showing empathy threatens your own health and well-being, peacefully detach and honor yourself, saving your empathy for a more deserving circumstance.

21. Unfortunately, you will be hurt very deeply more than once in your life. But do not ever let it break you nor dim your light. The one thing that no one can EVER take from you is who you are at your core. Continue shining and being the amazing person you already are. Wake up each day and leverage the gifts God has given you to keep helping others.

22. There will be dishonest, cruel, selfish people in this world. But there are many truly amazing people out there as well. And while it can be difficult to tell the difference between the two at times, be willing to be vulnerable and trust others. I know it’s risky, and yes it means some inevitable pain. Just know that it will be worth it someday. However, once someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Let God, Universe, and karma sort the rest out.

23. Learn, and when necessary, relearn to trust your intuition. Let it be the powerful guide that God/Universe intended. When you feel yourself trying to justify ignoring it, take a step back and recenter. Then trust yourself, even if it means accepting something difficult or painful.

24. True, real love is unconditional. Your presence, however, is conditional. You teach others how to treat you based upon what you allow. Never condition others to take you for granted. Walk away and go where you are cherished.

25. When you inevitably find yourself in the heartbreaking situation in which your love, priority, effort, and support are not reciprocated, please leave. Love yourself more in that moment, walk away, and do not look back. Your direction is forward.

26. Although you will have your heart broken in life, love anyway. Love anyway. It would be a far bigger shame to never take that chance. Love hard and unapologetically.

27. And if all else fails, please see #1

Love always,

Mom