After an oncology appointment this week, I finally took a moment to reflect on the last year(ish) of my life. In the last 15 months, I have had one surgery, two MRIs, two PET/CTs, two other CT scans, two mammograms, an ultrasound, an ECHO, two biopsies, and a colonoscopy. No partridge or pear tree needed. With each of those there came the requisite waiting for results, and in some cases recovering from the procedure or occasional complications. To say that I am fucking exhausted is a ridiculous understatement. Navigating it all while single-parenting, doctoring, and trying to balance the schedule tetris of life adds a whole other layer of emotional fatigue. Additionally, when I consider other concurrent stressful transitions or moments of grief, loss, and trauma for myself, my family, and my friends, I must acknowledge it felt overwhelming at times.
But, and I don’t say this flippantly, I got through it. Please don’t ask how, because this time I legitimately don’t know. I honestly feel as if this oncologic version of “if you give a mouse a cookie,” with its near Herculean balancing act, was borderline crazy-making some days.
However, despite the sheer physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion, I’m also extremely grateful to have such a great medical team and loving, supportive people in my life. And I am so thankful my most recent imaging shows no evidence of disease. While that alone is fantastic news, the additional blessing is that I now get to decrease the amount of surveillance, imaging, and procedures. I do still have three studies/procedures left in the next month or so, and I’m not looking to jinx anything. But I feel somewhat justified relishing in a sigh of relief (possibly with a side of tears as I decompress).
I cannot begin to adequately express my gratitude to those friends, family, and colleagues who have been part of this significant bump in my meandering journey. Whether by being present, checking in on me, driving me to/from the hospital, distracting me (in a good way), being available, or holding space for me, your love and support is the only reason I got through this unexpected detour. I love you all. Thank you.
A note about this picture: In the past 7 years, this portion of my head/neck has been imaged a dozen times. When I was reviewing pictures with Zachary Lee during a photo reveal, I admit I initially felt a twinge of resentment when I first saw these particular images. But he reminded me they encapsulate strength, changing my perspective about the betrayal we may sometimes feel when our bodies and health don’t cooperate with our vision of life. Special thank you to @zacharyleeportrait 🙏🏼
The Least Interesting Thing 