A Good Problem To Have

Last night I was folding laundry, because I am glamorous like that, and was accompanied by my middle child. In the midst of this seemingly mundane task, and while he was actively resisting bedtime, we had an interesting conversation. It went a little something like this…

Me: Middle child, the nanny will be picking you up from school tomorrow.

Middle Child (whining): What?! Whyyyy?

• It is worth noting that my newfound ability to pick my kids up from school on certain days is a relatively recent occurrence in our lives. And I frequently have meetings or the need to take his younger brother to appointments, so this really should not have been a big deal.

Me: I have an oncology appointment tomorrow.

Middle Child (still whining): OMG! You have an oncology appointment every day! 

Me (shooting him a look, followed by momentary silence): …Are you kidding me?

Middle Child (yep, still whining): OK…not EVERY day…but all the time. When was the last time you went to the oncologist? Saturday?

Me: Umm, that was the optometrist..the eye doctor. You were there, remember (we have the same eye doctor)? I last saw oncology in October. That was two months ago! 

Middle Child: Wait…what’s an oncologist again?

Me: The cancer doctor. And, Middle Child, this is a good problem to have.

Middle Child: What do you mean?

Me: There are people that would love to have this problem, because the alternative is not being here at all.

Middle Child (softens a little, no longer whining): But how can you say it’s a “good” problem?

Me: Middle Child, this is part of survivorship. There are two alternatives, death or survivorship, which means going to these types of appointments and having tests and procedures.

Middle Child (seeing an angle, cross-examining me): So… what you are saying is that having cancer is good?

Me (recognizing he kind of had me on a semantics technicality): Well actually… in this case, yes, because it led me to my career in medicine. 

Middle Child: Well ok, I see your point.

Me: And yes, I see yours. Of course not having cancer is better than having cancer. But if you have to have cancer, surviving to be able to go to the oncologist is a good thing. There are so many cancer patients who would absolutely love to have this “problem.” In life, Middle Child, we all get our thing. It is what we do with it…how we turn it into something good to help others…that ultimately matters. 

Middle Child: Ok, so what’s my thing? 

Me: Slow your roll there, ten-year-old. Don’t borrow trouble! Also, did I mention it is bedtime?

As I sat in the waiting room today, which can feel a bit isolating, I reflected back on this conversation and could not help but smile. Normally as I sit in the waiting room I like to take stock of the various surgeries, biopsies, procedures, and imaging studies I have had over the past 30 years, only a handful of which were due to things other than cancer. At last count it was 11 surgeries, 16 different body sites biopsied, a minimum of 11 procedures, 20 MRIs, and at least 18 encounters for anesthesia. Yes, I’m that person that laughs aloud when a new patient form contains only three lines upon which you are supposed to “list your surgeries.”   I do keep a reasonably updated running list in my phone, which serves a dual purpose. While it is a useful reference for occasions in which I need a memory jog, it is even more useful when I need a dose of perspective.

Survivorship is truly a gift, even when it comes with a hefty dose of surveillance and testing. Thirty years after this journey began, the resultant appointments, imaging, and procedures have seamlessly become part of my life. Though I admit it does not feel as “seamless” when I am trying to play schedule tetris to minimize time off work or when fighting with insurance for silly things such as sedation for a colonoscopy. I am not sure who among you are signing up for colonoscopies sans sedation, but my hat is off to you! Even the waiting, whether it be waiting for the radiologist to read my latest MRI, or waiting for pathology results after another round of biopsies…even the waiting has become second nature. So much so that I have been known to forget, for several days, that I am even awaiting results!

 Nevertheless, I have accepted all of this as just part of the experience of survivorship, which, as it turns out, is a long, meandering excursion. But to be abundantly clear, the fact that my cancer journey is long is absolutely a blessing. And as I have grown fond of saying, as you and my kids can now attest, it is a very good problem to have!